From Teenager to Mean-ager
Jan 01, 2025
When your children are young, their lives revolve around family. They come to you for comfort, guidance, reassurance and safety—for almost everything. Then they reach adolescence, and family takes second stage as their peers become the center of their attention. They engage with you less. They roll their eyes at everything you say. They spend the majority of their waking hours in their bedroom with the door closed only to come out for food or water.
I often hear statements from parents like, “My daughter spends so much time in her room. It’s like she’s trying to avoid me.” Or, “All I get are one-word responses from my son. It’s like pulling teeth to have a conversation with him.” These parents worry their kids want nothing to do with them.
There is an evolutionary reason for the distance adolescents put between themselves and their family. From an evolutionary perspective adolescence is a time to mature, find a peer group, and even begin mating. It was time to prepare to leave the tribe. While humans have evolved and kids live with their parents longer than they have historically, their brains and bodies are still living in the past. Their peer groups are their future, and they act accordingly.
The teenage brain is highly attuned to oxytocin, which makes social connections feel increasingly rewarding. The relationships they create at this age feel important. And they require a degree of privacy. But that doesn’t mean they want to write you off entirely, despite what their behavior tells you.
How is a parent to connect with a teen who constantly gives the side eye? In a word, mindfully.
Give Your Teen Space
When my own sons went from hanging out in the living room to wanting to be alone in her bedroom, I had to respect that natural withdrawal. They needed some space to help them prepare for eventually leaving the house and being on their own (which, now they both have left the house and are on their own “ish” - BOO HOO). Barging into their rooms every 15 minutes to check up on them would only have driven a wedge in our relationships.
But Don’t Give Up Family Time Altogether
Family time is still important. A great way to connect is to eat dinner together as much as possible. Even 20 minutes together talking about your day can make a difference in how your child feels seen. Put away the phones. Turn off the television. Just spend some time asking them questions and listening. Don’t judge, scoff or try to solve their problems—JUST listen.
Notice When Your Teen Is Most Open
Take note of when your teen is open to connecting. Perhaps it is later at night before they go to bed. Maybe they are more open to chatting in the car on the way home from practice. Maybe you have a teen who will do just about anything for a trip to Starbucks. Try not to let your own distractions rob you of these opportunities. Think about times when they are most open and be intentional about being present for them during those times.
Don’t Take it Personally
It’s not about you. Your teen is going through an emotional and sometimes confusing time of life. Teens don’t always understand their emotions, much less know how to handle or communicate them. Don’t take it personally. Your teen’s outburst, “You don’t understand me!” is in part, their own difficulty in understanding themselves. That doesn’t give them the right to be rude, but it might help you to not get so upset yourself.
Find Common Ground
Find something your teen is currently obsessed with on television, like Outer Banks. Create a Tuesday date night around it. Truth be told, you may not even like the show that much, but just enjoy the fact that it is “time together.” Kick the rest of the family out for the night. Just spend time one on one. These are often the times, you will find your teen suddenly begins to open up a little.
When to Seek Help
If your teen seems withdrawn to the point that you’re worried, or sad to the point of having trouble finding simple joys or staying focused on everyday tasks, or if you notice new behaviors that are perplexing, seek the advice of a therapist. Talk to the other adults in your child’s life—teachers, coaches, etc., and see if they have concerns. Always better to err on the side of caution if you are worried.